[This is Part 2 of a two-part series of testimonies on my confusions and the sources of my delusions – Part One can be read here – and in this post I cover the source of my hope: Jesus Christ.]
My journey since recommitting my life to Christ as my Saviour has been a very difficult and strange one. Reluctant to truly follow Jesus Christ as my Lord even though I accepted Him as my Saviour I did, as I look back, end up a wayward lamb increasingly taken in by and deceived by the world.
In many ways I did accept Jesus as my Lord. I knew He is Lord. I now know He is Lord to a whole new depth. What I didn’t do before was act like Jesus was my Lord in the little things. I could make big declarations, big statements of faith, major vows etc. But to actually love my neighbour? To actually deny myself? That seemed too much.
Into Mystery Babylon
I am going to use some Biblical terms in this post. Please, please be aware that I am not making any theological statements as to these terms. I am using these terms as I have understood them as I have journeyed, and am still journeying, out of the deception into which I so grievously fell. I am using the terms as they play a part in my “delusions” and not as a Biblical teaching.
One of the terms I will use is that of Babylon, mentioned in the Revelation of St. John the Divine. It has seemed to me that I have been lost in this labyrinth of Mystery. The music, philosophies, drugs (which I now believe were sorceries) and the worshipping of angels and false gods, have taken their toll and had left me in a perilous state.
Yet Jesus is faithful and I truly believe that He has remembered me; has left the ninety-nine and come to find me and bring me back into the fold. I have been unfaithful, but He remains faithful.
The music has been haunting me – literally! The rap lyrics and other music words have resurfaced in my mind and played on my worst fears. Eminem made me scared to eat spaghetti, my Mum’s favourite meal. The Levellers confused me about apples and Snow White. (I now eat apples again, which I stopped doing due to a “word” I thought I had received, but I honestly don’t like spaghetti so will only eat it if its given to me.)
The sexual sins haunt me. I am tempted to commit filthiness now and again. I feel like a man who has been trapped by a seductress. Yet I resist and am usually victorious in that by the grace of God.
In recent years I have enquired into subjects I had no business enquiring into. Matters of the Illuminati, matters of the world religions, matters of the so-called Pleiadians and Annunaki, matters of the Gnostic religion.
Confusion took hold until I doubted the truth of the Bible. Yet somehow Jesus kept me believing in Him and in His Father, God Himself. Sometimes I have thought of myself as a false prophet teaching error.
The alcohol and drugs have ravaged me mentally, emotionally and physically. I now sincerely believe the synthetic drugs – and all the works of pharmaceutica – to be sorcery. Please note what I said previously: I am not teaching this as Biblical truth. I am giving my testimony of my delusions and confusions. But what I do know is that for me to willingly seek out medication would be against my conscience and against my faith and thus, for me, it would be sin and I would condemn myself even more. I take the agreed dose and do not seek to increase it. I am slowly intending on reducing it and eventually stopping the medication altogether in the Lord’s timing.
I have few comforts the world likes to indulge in; secular music is a no-go area for me. I don’t watch TV or YouTube videos. I don’t listen to radio. Pubs, clubs and shopping centres usually give me the creeps. I don’t drink any alcohol now. Drugs, whether prescribed or illegal, are against my faith.
Marriage is something I don’t need and so choose not to seek and certainly a relationship with a woman with no view to marriage would be sinful to me. Even such things as chocolate I am wary of due to my addictive personality.
So? What’s left? I have Jesus, and He should be sufficient, yet I also must be honest and say I smoke tobacco. I do not regard it as sinful. It is a plant. I like plants – I have two houseplants at home. I drink tea and coffee. No, I do not object to plants. The world tells me smoking is dangerous and yes, I cough. The medication actually makes my cough worse and of the two (tobacco and medication) I prefer to cease the medication before dealing with the tobacco.
Coming off psychiatric medication and dealing with the issues I deal with I cannot face quitting smoking right now, and so, though I have prayed for an end to my smoking at some point, for me right now it is not sinful. I do, however, seek to walk in love and not smoke in front of those who are offended by it, meaning if I have visitors at my flat I go outside or if I am at church I take myself off the church grounds.
The Hope Which Endures
In 1 Corinthians 13 the Apostle Paul states:
Now abide these three: faith, hope, love. And the greatest of these is love.
I am in many ways deranged, unstable and trapped by a number of delusions. Yet all that is changing. The verse I have just shared has been a comfort to me. I have clung on to hope. I have kept faith when I have not been able to see my faith. I have done my best to love even when so confused I can’t always demonstrate it.
And where does this faith, this hope, this love come from? None come from me. Of myself I am incapable of having faith, incapable of hoping against hope; incapable of loving. Faith, hope and love abide in Jesus Christ, the Lord and Saviour. And so, when everything seems lost I cling to Him.
I am still here on this journey. Will I come through and out the other side? I do not know. The odds are stacked against me. “But if God be for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31b) And so I shall continue to trust in my Lord who loved me so much He gave Himself upon the cross and bore all of my sin and iniquity there. “We love Him because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)
So whatever happens, my life is in the hands of Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour, and I shall endeavour to my utmost to deny myself and follow Him as I bear this cross of my many delusions, fears and mental turmoils which have come through my life.
[NOTES: This was written many months ago. Some things have now changed. Notably I listen to certain secular music again for the purposes of healing, knowledge and demon-fighting. Also, I now drink moderate amounts of alcohol. My faith has broadened. My hope become more sure, and my love more profound.]