Category: Testimonials

My Testimony of Trusting

Simple trust and love.
Image credit: https://pixabay.com/en/children-road-distant-supportive-1149671/

When I first started writing these testimonies I wrote many words of my experiences, feelings, shames and boasts. Yet as the prophecy of Agur states in Proverbs 30: “If you have done foolishly…lay your hand upon your mouth.” Besides, much of those long testimonies were riddled with hypocrisy and judgementalism.

I have, in too many ways to relate, been acting like a fool in my life. Yes, through it all I have clung to God the Father, Son and Holy Ghost, the Blessèd Trinity or, rather, He has clung to me. Hope is only found in Jesus Christ and in no other and forgiveness for sins can only be found through His atoning sacrifice upon the cross. Life eternal can only be attained because of His resurrection.

Over the past few months I have been through much. Because I have truly believed that recourse to psychiatric medication is only a short-term solution to a problem of eternal significance and that the transitory comfort such medication has brought me has only led to an imperviousness to the abhorrence of my sinfulness I chose, willingly, to come off my medication over a year ago.A word of caution. The time I am in now is not to be laughed at or taken on lightly. In many ways I’d want to increase my medication – I am now on a low dose due to a verbal agreement with my doctors and nurses – yet I know that the final judgement comes from God and I desire to do what I can to face what I must now rather than when it becomes too late to repent of my many sins. Yet it remains true I believe, that many of us who suffer from mental illness need some comforts in life. We have had a very hard road and some very hard things to deal with, whether that be childhood sexual abuse, violence or have even experienced worse things in this short life we’ve lived. I have chosen my path and you must choose yours. Do not choose to take mine – coming off medication – out of a foolish thought that you could cope when I am only barely surviving day to day and there are only a few times of blessed relief and comfort from the Lord.

Yet I still cling on to the promises of God contained in His word: Scripture reading, good Christian music and as much fellowship with the saints as possible is helping greatly.

Jesus died for us, whoever we may be and whatever we may have thought, said and done. Trust in Him and Him alone, for He is the Rock of Salvation and He loves you.

These verses have both disciplined me for my lack of these qualities and have also comforted me, so I share them here:

“Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not, love vaunts not itself, is not puffed up, does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices not in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

(Note: Scripture verses use the KJV Bible yet I have modernised slightly if the words wouldn’t be understood by many in this present day.)

Introduction to “My Testimony” Series

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I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia at the age of twenty. After a rather blessed childhood thanks to the care of my mum and my maternal grandparents – although there were some very hideous situations and events in my very young childhood which I have only very recently come to terms with – I went rather off the rails in my late teenage years.
I played around with a number of sexual sinful practices – such as fornication, adultery and transvestism – and primarily I played around with a number of herbal and synthetic means of “getting out of my head” including cannabis, amphetamine, Ecstasy, LSD and magic mushrooms. I also explored spiritualities linked to those drug uses and was an early adopter of the 90’s New Age philosophy.

I returned to my Christian faith after my breakdown at 20 but it was during the mid 90s after an encounter with the Modern Jesus Army when I recommitted myself to the Lord Jesus and, after a certain time with the JA I spent a number of years moving from one church to another. It is only very, very recently that I have found that Jesus Christ is truly the faithful Lord and Saviour He says He is and that He has never, even in my darkest and most rebellious moments, left me nor forsaken me.

How many years have I been confessing Christ? Through my childhood, since I was taught the faith by my grandparents who took me to church (I was baptised as a babe in the Methodist Church) to when I proudly presented the marrow had produced (O man! Childish ways! Of course, God gave the marrow and it was primarily my grandfather who had tended and watered it, but I was so pleased to present that produce at the Harvest Festival and thought, so I am told, of how feeble it was to give a tin of something bought from the local store, such was my childish pride.) And then on until I grew into teenagehood when my faith started to decline.

And then my return to the faith in unusual steps, initially attending a Middle Church Anglican fellowship after my breakdown and only learning to confess Christ fully when I was around twenty two years old. Yet even then my life was not particularly fruitful, hindered as I was by nagging, terrible fears that I wasn’t truly saved and numerous addictions to sexuality, drink and wayward spiritualities.

Yet since my return to Christ as an adult at around 22 I have never fully abandoned the faith again and have maintained contact with the church, though intermittently and without any very real sense of truly belonging.
And now? Well, read this series of testimonials as to where I am at now. I should forewarn, though, to be aware that my journey has been a long, winding road far less travelled and with many a wandering off the narrow path. I was likened by a man in the JA to a “lost sheep,” though to be honest I am not sure that he was not a wandering sheep himself. Yet I was, indeed, a wandering lamb; double-minded and unstable in all my ways.

Do read, and it is my earnest prayer that those who believe yet are burdened with mental disorders or waywardness of spirituality may be comforted and exhorted and that those who do not believe may see that I am only able to write these posts at all because of the all-surpassing love of God in Jesus Christ the only true Lord and Saviour.