[I wrote this a while back, before my time in the psychiatric ward. I have edited it somewhat before posting here.]
I shared on another blog my Testimony of Pain. I do not feel proud about sharing that, nor of the feelings I had when I wrote it. My Lord Jesus Christ told me that if a man sets his hand to the plough and then looks back he is unworthy of his Lord. I did need to pray regarding my looking back at that pain as written in the midst of it, because it brought back that pain in a way which my Lord has advised me that I should not be so foolish so as to do.
Yet I did look back. And so, if Jesus’s words are indeed True – and He is the Way, the Truth and the Life and cannot lie – then I am unworthy of Him, even now. But I did not seek Him nor choose to follow Him because I thought I was worthy of Him, but because I knew I wasn’t. And that has not changed, and neither has His eternal love for me. Yet sharing that Testimony of Pain was necessary for you.
Why did my mother conceive me, carry me to full term and then push me out of her womb? I do not know. Why did I make so many mistakes, commit so many sins, that I could not bear to see myself in the mirror? I do not know. Why did I go insane for twenty five years? I do not fully know. Why did my Nan’s heart pills not kill me? I do not know. Why did I consider my money better spent on several pints rather than buying a new belt before trying to hang myself on a tree? I do not know.
But now? I know that my Lord died for me. And I know He did it because He loves me, and has loved me since before the creation of the world. And I know that I am exceeding glad. I am grateful that he ensured, however he may have performed it, that I did not leave this Earth before I had found Him, not in word or in trying to follow a preacher or a particular church or faith, but find HIM. And now I have found Him, I love Him. And I thank Him that I have come to love Him because He first loved me.
I have joy immeasurable in my heart. Yet I still mourn, and mourn greatly. Yet now I mourn truly and no longer self-piteously. Yes, if I am honest sometimes I mourn for myself, too, but mostly I mourn because my Jesus has not broken His word to me yet and so I know He will keep true to His word in these present, perilous, last days of the last days (as I believe). After all, He is the Way, the Truth and the Life and He cannot break His word. Yet the mourning does not diminish the joy one jot, because I know that blessèd are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
This my my Testimony, and the Power of the Testimony of the saints shall be in large degree the Power which overthrows the wicked ruler of this age, though it is the Blood of the Lamb which is the means by which forgiveness for sin and the salvation in Christ is gained.
And I am not wise. For if I were I would have learnt my lessons as a child and not as an ageing man. Yet I know enough to know that wicked ruler is not pleased with what I now do. And so, knowing that his time is short, he will attack all those he sees who resist and reject his evil ways. And I cannot hope to be exempt from his attention. Yet I trust that Christ is able to keep me.
Yet I count as joy my portion in the sufferings of Christ, for:
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside the still waters, He restores my soul, He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, For You are with me, Your rod, and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of mine enemies, Thou annoint my head with oil, My cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, And I shall dwell in the House of the Lord, Forever.